Everybody started with a blank canvas right?
So I originally had a whole bloggy- thing layed out, but then my computer decided that it was the perfect time to shut down on me. Way to start of this blog. Here we go again…
I had a revelation. While at work sitting in front of the computer watching Nip/Tuck while simultaneously writing thank you cards to alums who have contributed to the college, I realized something has to change. This revelation, you can even call it a quarter-life crisis, sparked two nights ago when my parents refused to allow my sister to do to Las Vegas for the summer. They specifically told my sister that she had to take this summer to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. My sister just completed her junior year and is now going on to be a senior and I am not too far behind her. I fear the day that my parents sit me down and ask me the question ‘What are you going to do with your life?”
Right now, that answer is I don’t know. But I guess I have a year to figure that out.
There is more to this year than just figuring out my career plans, but it is to discover myself. I think the problem behind not knowing what I want to do in life is, in a philosophical sense, not knowing how to define myself. At this point in my life, I have no motivation, I have no dreams, and I have no goals to reach.
Examples:
(1) when the alarm goes off at 6:30 in the morning I hit the snooze button and wake up at 7:45 instead
(2) I tell myself to go to the gym more often, I ‘go hard’ for 3 days tops and then stop.
(3) I have always aspired to dance but blamed a broken arm for my lack of grace
(4) I try to convince myself via self-fulfilling prophecies that I want to be a doctor, but I got tired lying to myself.
(1) when the alarm goes off at 6:30 in the morning I hit the snooze button and wake up at 7:45 instead
(2) I tell myself to go to the gym more often, I ‘go hard’ for 3 days tops and then stop.
(3) I have always aspired to dance but blamed a broken arm for my lack of grace
(4) I try to convince myself via self-fulfilling prophecies that I want to be a doctor, but I got tired lying to myself.
I am at this point where nothing seems to interest me and I have given up on the things that used to. This. Is. Bad. Call me crazy and call me desperate. The truth is I am. I need to find something that motivates me and I need to challenge myself, before I figure out what I want to be for the rest of my life. I need to find my hobbies create goals…and follow through, and I need to do it on my terms and no one else’s.
I just got a message from one of my ex bosses who told me that discovering you is a lifelong process. And I believe it is. But If you don’t have a foundation of who you are; ex. Motivation, hobbies, loves, and spirit. When I do “build” my career after I graduate, I will fall fast and hard. But this is the moment to build a foundation, to find what sparks my mind and heart and makes me get up in the morning.
This is day one, week one. Let’s do et!
E.K.
